Everyone has met them, if not been related/in a relationship with this person. These humans can also be referred to as the "One Uppers" because whatever you've said or done- they've said or done better.
Me: "I love cheese."
The Narcissist: "I ADORE CHEESE! I actually own a dairy farm, and produce organic cheese from grass fed cows. Therefore, I invented cheese."
Me: "I actually hate you."
These people can't go a whole day without talking about themselves for an obscene amount of time. Without a constant stream of self centered word vomit flowing from their mouths, The Narcissist may actually die. Not to say that these kinds of people can't be liked (we all have a few in our inner circles), they just need to be thoroughly reminded that despite popular belief, the world does not revolve around them and their organic dairy farm.
There are two subcategories to The Yapper: the ones who can be saved, and the ones who should be left stranded in the middle of the ocean. The Tolerable Yapper could be your feisty grandmother who can't seem to find her inside voice when talking about her recent bowel movements in public. The Unsaveable Yapper can be described best in one very common incident:
You and some friends decide to go see a movie, the The Notebook to be more specific. Y'all sit down, get comfortable, and eat some popcorn or Sour Patch Kids. The burly ginger in front of you is being obnoxious before the lights dim, but he will most likely quiet down once the film starts- right? WRONG! Loud mouth Ginger feels the need to make commentary throughout the ENTIRE film just in case some theater goers wanted real life subtitles to the Ryan Gosling chick flick.
Ryan Gosling: "I wrote to you every day for a year!"
Rachel McAdams: "You wrote to me?!"
The Yapper: "Oh my gosh, wow! He wrote to her that whole time because he didn't give up on their love. She walked away, but he never let go of the idea that she might come running back into his arms. That's love right there!"
*Carrot Top gives his monologue at a decibel even God himself can hear because The Yapper is THE LIVING WORST*
The Curious Cashier
You know those times at the checkout when your cashier decides to talk so much your face literally melts off? Same. The cashier thinks they are being genuine, really taking their customer service skills to the next level. In reality, Curious George is just loudly listing off your different purchases and making terrible mom jokes.
The Curious Cashier: "Hmm...tampons, a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, all 899 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and a pocket knife. Either you're on your period, or you're in the midst of planning a very elaborate murder."
Me: "Hey...Karen, is it? I'd really appreciate it if you would bag my items in plastic and shut your trap. Seeing as I'm about to slice'n'dice you, I suggest you pick up the pace so I can make like a tree and leave."
Imagine this: you have yet to see the season finale of Game of Thrones due to an interfering work schedule. Your shift is almost over, and you plan on going home to indulge in the final episode. Then along comes The Spoiler. He is also an avid Game of Thrones watcher, and an all around douchelord
The Spoiler: "Holy crap! Did you see last night's episode?!"
Me: "NO! So don't you dare say another word fool."
The Spoiler: "Ok...*whispers* everyone dies."
Me: *proceeds to punch him in the jugular and end his life*
*PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*
If you or anyone you are associated with can be defined as one of the four types of trolls described above please follow the instructions below.
•Stop being annoying
•Stop ruining lives
•Start acting more like Julie Andrews and less like Justin Bieber
•All around, just stop
Although I have been absent from the blog world for a while, I realized while writing this post how much I miss it. The urge to write my own book is becoming more of a distant dream, and turning into a definite possibility. Hope you enjoy the post, and stay tuned for more.