Tuesday, March 31, 2015

rockin' and ( t )rollin'

Hey, friends. 
It’s been a minute since my last post, and that is for no particular reason. Same could be said for why I’m posting now: no specific reason at all. Except, there is one thing I wanted to share with you all. It’s minor, nothing huge. Just wanted to clear the air, and explain how my life has turned into an EPIC AND TOTAL SHAM. First, let me give you some background…
Flashback to Sunday morning: I jolted awake to the sound of my phone buzzing. I thought it surely must have been my four a.m. alarm going off, seeing as I opened at good ol’ Starbucks that day. I forced my eyes open and glanced at the offensive noise, only to see that someone was calling me at bloody four in the morning. These encounters always lead to impending doom (i.e. someone died, is in jail, or looking for a booty call). Before I go into the phone call, let me tell you one more vital thing that will make so much more sense later on- I woke up with the thirst of a thousand dehydrated football players. That night, I kept dreaming that I couldn’t hydrate enough, and that my body was slowly turning into a human raisin. Come to find out, this was actually happening to me while I was asleep. So when I was abruptly awoken by my phone that fateful morning, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Dang, I sure could use a Gatorade right about now’. My lips were dry and cracked like the Mojave Desert had relocated to the middle of my face. That being said, I looked at my phone. I instantly saw that it was my shift supervisor, and that can only mean one thing- this human raisin was late to work. I pick up, frantically apologize to my shift, and run to brush my teeth. I don’t put an ounce of makeup on, which means the entirety of the Starbucks customers got to witness a real life troll make their skinny vanilla lattes that day. Alas, I worked my eight-hour shift like a trooper, even though I was half dead. By the end of my workday, I felt like I had been run over by a bunch of antelope, Mufasa style, and left to die. 
The next day and a half were a blur. I came home from work, took a nap, and woke up feeling like the fiery pits of hell were fueling my body temperature. Even my cynical little sister felt my forehead, and spoke the foreboding truth, “this bitch is sick as hell”. My mother mentioned something about Influenza going around, but I didn’t think much of it. Flash-forward through two days filled with convulsive shivering, sweating, sneezing, coughing, nose running, and being an utter hot mess- I have never been so sick (unless you count that time back in high school when I had the stomach flu for three days, but that’s a whole other story).
Now we come to core of this tale that fueled the writing of this post- for me to vent. You are all up to speed with my past three days, you should have a pretty accurate idea of how emotionally and physically unstable I am at the moment.  So that brings me to today’s agenda. You see, today was very important because I had my teacher orientation today at two in the afternoon. I had to dress business casual, which means I was forced to wear a fancy shirt and pants, two things I am not fond of. I drive to school, feeling way better than I had two days before. Life seemed good, but that is where God smite me. I get down to school, look at my phone, and find my battery is at a measly 20%. As someone who does not have much of a social life, nor a long list of people who contact her, this usually wouldn’t be a problem. Well, of course all my information on how to get to the orientation, all my notes on what to bring, and what was involved were on my email….which was only accessible through my phone. Why not use my laptop you ask? Well, that is because my laptop is about as broken as Kris and Bruce Jenner’s marriage. Cool. At this point, I’m seated and waiting for class to start when my heavily accented teacher from Zimbabwe comes over and says, “Are you alright dahl-ing? You look like you might be on the verge of some-ting. Do you vant me to open ze door?”. I realized I had unconsciously been fanning myself with my American Lit book, and apparently looked like a zombie. Good God! The illness had risen once again! I felt my forehead and instantly recognized the heat of a million suns radiating off my skin. I somehow make it through all three of my morning classes without completely passing out, but by the time I leave for my teacher orientation I look like a walking corpse. So much for making a good impression at this mandatory meeting, guess I’ll be known as the student teacher who resembled the Bride of Frankenstein from now on. I get to the dreaded orientation building, go up to the secretary, and ask her what room the meeting is being held in. She looks at me confused, and murmurs something about not being aware of this event. I thought maybe she was new, maybe she didn’t know the entire itinerary for the day- no biggie.
Secretary: Oh, sorry honey. That orientation isn't until April 2nd
Me: It is April 2nd
Secretary: No, it's March 31st dear
Me: *actual tear falls from eye*
        *silently exits the building*
         *screams F*** very loudly*
   *sobs and calls mommy*
Translation: I could have stayed in bed today, and slowly decomposed in peace, whilst watching Sons of Anarchy. THIS DAY IS THE WORK OF SATAN, 'CAUSE FOR A SECOND THERE I COULD HAVE SWORN I WAS IN HELL! Anyway, after venting to my best friend, mother, and aunt on the phone I found it was therapeutic. Also, based on their laughs over my deteriorating physical and mental health, I thought I would give my blog readers a good LOL as well. Here’s to countless hours of medication, used tissues, and coughs that sound like they came from an eighty year old chain smoker.

Good day, friends.
xoxo- Hill

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I'm In Love With ( Many ) Strangers

I have this theory that because I do not love easily in real life, I have to over compensate for it in this alternate universe I have made up in my head. Think of this as a list of all the men I will consider as husband material if polygamy ever becomes legal- including the dead ones, I don't discriminate against ghosts. In other words, if I were famous and pulled a Taylor Swift, this would be the compilation of all my victims. Love is a battlefield, homie. 
Elvis Presley
I would be willing to settle for "nothin' but a hound dog" if he looks like this. I have actual hair envy from this stud, the flow is unreal. His face doesn't hurt either.

Marlon Brando

Ryan Gosling
I think anyone with a beating heart has a crush on Gosling, he's just the cutest. I feel like we could go chop lumber in the woods, and then eat pancakes together. I mean, look at that giggle! I could cry.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson
I have been in love with him ever since he was on this terrible Nickelodeon movie, in which I specifically bought on iTunes so I could stare at his face forever.

Leonardo Dicaprio
Never liked him until I saw Wolf of Wall Street, and let me just tell you that movie made me a believer. A man who never ages should be with a woman who already is getting forehead wrinkles at age 22- like me. We would be unstoppable. 

Rob Lowe
This boy had my heart back when he was a greaser in The Outsiders, and still holds it today even as a hot old guy. That smile is what dreams are made of.

Zac Efron
This is kind of an obligatory contender. I have loved him from the beginning, even when he was twelve and on a bad sitcom. He is the embodiment of puberty hitting someone like a goddamn train.  

Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake
Although I love both JT and Fallon equally, I really only want them as a combo. They share this bromance that is unmatchable in the celebrity world. Talented in all areas: singers, dancers, actors, comedians, being hot as hell. Who wouldn't want to be the peanut butter in that hunk sandwich? 

Zayn Malik
If you know me, you are aware of my ever lasting admiration of all things One Direction. Anyone who thinks it's dumb, hear me out. Look at this scruffy, emotional, voice-god sent from Heaven. You are One Direction's number one fans now- you're welcome. 

Benedict Cumberbatch
He looks like a really sexy alien, and I can dig it. 

Chris Hemsworth
What are two things Hillary loves? Cats and hot guys. So obviously I don't need to go into any further detail. (But really though, Thor can save me from an imploding planet anytime)

Prince Eric
If you can sit there and tell me you didn't once ever think: "Hot damn, that cartoon character is kinda a hottie", then you are now deleted from all my social media. I looked into those crystal blue animated eyes, and the rest is history.

Bradley Cooper
More like 'Bradley Please Cooperate And Marry Me Already'. Ughhh.

Theo James
He's greek, he's tan, he's everything. Theo was my number one man for the longest time, but as of late things have changed...

Charlie Hunnam
I literally can't describe how my body feels when I see his blonde beard, and long hair pulled back in a man bun. It's as if my heart explodes, regroups, then explodes again. That walk, that talk, THAT BACK! I nominate him for the world's sexiest back. Didn't even know I was a fan of a good back until now, and Lord hear me when I say I need that in my life. His smile melts the ice that has long lived inside my soul. One episode into Sons of Anarchy, and I knew that Hunnam had drove his motorcycle right into my heart. I have never wanted to be a biker babe, but now I consider myself one anytime I wear my leather jacket or ride a bicycle. Long live Charlie, long live our completely made up love.