Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Humor Me: The Love Edition

This is a quick and cynical post on something that I just experienced a mere twenty minutes ago. Let me set the scene for you: I am sitting alone in my favorite little corner booth in the education building at UNO. I'm munching on a grody peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I bought at the cafeteria, which by the way was made with CRUNCHY peanut butter (kill me), and I attempt to start doing my homework. At this time, I have been slightly focusing on this girls voice behind me, for she sounds like the love child of PeeWee Herman and Steve Urkel. God bless her soul, but this girls voice could make Adolf Hitler cry. I was trying my best to ignore the shrill jabber going on behind me, but I could only hold out for so long. It all started going down hill when it appeared her and her boyfriend were ending their phone conversation.

Shrill Voiced Hussy: "Ok, well I need to go finish my lab. I love you."
*What I can assume is silence from said boyfriend*
SVH: "Babe, say it back."
*Silence can be detected from other end of the line*
SVH: "JAMES, SAY IT BACK! JAMES!!"

At this point, Shrill Voiced Hussy starts to whimper which surely must be a joke right?? Wrong. I turn around to see SVH actually start to sob with her phone plastered to her ear, just waiting for James to reciprocate the message. 

SVH: "JAMES! I have spent the past three nights helping you study for your big placement exam, so the least you could do is tell me that you F****** LOVE ME WHEN WE HANG UP THE PHONE!"
*Weak mumble*
SVH: "Thank you, now was that so hard? You're the best. Bye, babe."

Guys, I can't make this stuff up. I just watched this crazy freak of a human have a complete and utter meltdown, that in turn dissipates in a matter of seconds. Her tears miraculously vanish, and a huge scary death grin becomes plastered on her face all because her boyfriend (God bless his soul, who knows how much longer he will be alive) told her he loved her. 
I bring this horrifying experience to attention for one reason. If anyone ever witnesses me acting in this way around a boy I want you to personally walk up and punch me in the jugular while chanting:


Thank you, and good night.
xoxo- Hill


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