Saturday, May 3, 2014

I Survived Psychotic Mood-Swing Disorder

This is too much information. This may be uncomfortable for some, but this needs to be addressed. Every month, women go through a week or so of PURE HELL. I don't think men realize the disturbing things that go on when women endure PMS, or what I like to call: Psychotic Mood-Swing Disorder. Here is a list of things that happened today while I suffered from PMS. These are all actual events, none of which have been fictionalized. The only reason I am sharing this risque information with you is to put into perspective how a woman acts and feels when WWIII is happening in her uterus.
  • I found a Dorito in my bed. I then ate said Dorito. It was a crumb from earlier munching, so don't get it twisted that I ate a random chip I found in my bed....
  • I blubbered like a baby because Dairy Queen gave me a Midnight Truffle Blizzard instead of my Cookie Dough Blizzard.
  • I cried again because the Midnight Truffle Blizzard was SO DAMN GOOD, and it felt like a betrayal to my number one boo- Cookie Dough. 
  • I converted my room into a cave of sorts, pitch black with four different scented candles burning. It was overpowering and it smelled like Bath and Body Works vomited in my room.
  • I watched episode after episode of New Girl, and laughed even when nothing remotely funny was happening.
  • I sat through an entire indie movie that was pure garbage, but I couldn't change it. Why? I needed to know if the rather ugly main character got with the girl who was way out of his league. THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT, AND I CRIED BECAUSE MY OVARIES ARE GOING HAYWIRE.
  • I sang a plethora of sad songs in the shower, and didn't even care that my dad was in the next room- judging me. 
  • I can't stop eating. 
    • Pickles? Sure.
    • Half bag of Doritos? Absolutely. 
    • Ice cream? Is that even a question? 
    • Cheese? Cheese is what makes the world go round, so yeah- I ate a lot of cheese.
  • My face resembles the bumpy surface of Mars- so much acne. Why not break out so bad I look like I'm fourteen and still have head gear? Why not relive my wonderful high school years where I couldn't even speak actual words to a person of the opposite sex? I love this...
  • 'Mean' doesn't even begin to describe how I've been the past 24 hours. Anyone who's interacted with me today got bitched out because I can't control my emotions and I just wanted a cookie. 
  • I slapped a donut out of my sisters hand. Yeah, you read that right. Straight up punched that pastry across the room. I don't know what came over me, but I slapped that donut so vigorously it exploded into a million pieces. It was a 'did that really just happen?' moment, and my God do I regret it. 
  • I hit my little brother Cole in the butt, and I don't even know why. It was creepy, and I really am starting to revaluate my life choices.
Most of all, I feel like a beached whale with severe acne and an anger problem. This isn't living. No, this is hell on Earth. This my friends, is PMS.

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