Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Mama Mia

Moms are truly everything in our world. The healers, the providers, the bakers, and most especially the people who shows us unconditional love- no matter what sticky situations we get ourselves into. That being said, I came across some old photos from my graduation video and literally could not believe how absolutely ratchet my mother allowed me to look in public. This post is dedicated to my wonderful mother, who had some sketchy judgment when it came to my hair and clothes in the past.

Things started out alright, Mom. I kinda look like Haley Joel Osment from the Six Sense with that haircut, and I wouldn't be caught dead in those sneakers now. However, it could be worse- and my God does it get worse.

Hey Mom, who's idea was it to dress me up like a toddler from Little House on the Prairie? Mom, this hat is literally the worst thing I have ever seen. Not to mention the fact that you actually bought me matching frilly socks to go along with my dress. And please explain to me why you allowed me to pose on top of a large star that has absolutely no relation to my getup? By the way you had me dressed, I should have been sitting on a horse drawn carriage. 

Mom, I won't blame this photo entirely on you. I feel like you thought this was a cute sweater option for a school photo, but you were very misconstrued. You see Mom, not only does my sweater belong to a 40 year old Walmart employee, but my hair is an absolute catastrophe. Like I said, this can't all be blamed on you for I'm sure when I left for school my head didn't resemble an electrocuted turtle shell made of human hair. 

Visibly, there is nothing wrong with this photo. It seems innocent and somewhat adorable, but there is a dark secret behind that semi-smile. I had a wedgie during the entire communion ceremony, and I picked it in front of the whole church. My mom had nothing to do with this, but since I'm sharing the humiliation of my past why not put it all out in the open. 

Okay Mom, this is actually rude. The placement of the bow resembles a fish jumping out of water, trying to escape my horrendous bangs. Also, I would have appreciated a heads up when it came to smiling with my mouth open. Just looking at that gap in my teeth makes me say a little thank you to God for creating orthodontists and head gear.   

Hey Mom, you're awesome for keeping a straight face when I walked out in this costume. Those glasses are about the sexiest thing I've seen in a while. And by "sexy" I mean "blindingly ugly".

OH MY GOD MOM THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! I looked like a creepy fifth grade librarian! A turtleneck?!?!? A DAMN TURTLENECK MOTHER?!?! Also, my hair....Mom I don't understand what I did to make you punish me like this. It's cruel, and there is no way in hell you saw this and thought "Aww, Hillary looks so pretty and not anything like a lesbian book store owner".

Hey Mom, why?
I thought the turtleneck fiasco earlier was bad, but I draw the line at a full denim dress. It zipped in the front and hugged my rather portly physique so thanks for that Mom. Oh, and that hair flip...well Shaun White could do a sweet ass snowboarding trick off one of those under curls. 

No matter what terrible fashion choices and outrageous hairdo's you made me endure Mom, you're still my everything. 

XOXO, Hill.

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