Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Mama Mia

Moms are truly everything in our world. The healers, the providers, the bakers, and most especially the people who shows us unconditional love- no matter what sticky situations we get ourselves into. That being said, I came across some old photos from my graduation video and literally could not believe how absolutely ratchet my mother allowed me to look in public. This post is dedicated to my wonderful mother, who had some sketchy judgment when it came to my hair and clothes in the past.

 HEY MOM...
Things started out alright, Mom. I kinda look like Haley Joel Osment from the Six Sense with that haircut, and I wouldn't be caught dead in those sneakers now. However, it could be worse- and my God does it get worse.

Hey Mom, who's idea was it to dress me up like a toddler from Little House on the Prairie? Mom, this hat is literally the worst thing I have ever seen. Not to mention the fact that you actually bought me matching frilly socks to go along with my dress. And please explain to me why you allowed me to pose on top of a large star that has absolutely no relation to my getup? By the way you had me dressed, I should have been sitting on a horse drawn carriage. 

Mom, I won't blame this photo entirely on you. I feel like you thought this was a cute sweater option for a school photo, but you were very misconstrued. You see Mom, not only does my sweater belong to a 40 year old Walmart employee, but my hair is an absolute catastrophe. Like I said, this can't all be blamed on you for I'm sure when I left for school my head didn't resemble an electrocuted turtle shell made of human hair. 

Visibly, there is nothing wrong with this photo. It seems innocent and somewhat adorable, but there is a dark secret behind that semi-smile. I had a wedgie during the entire communion ceremony, and I picked it in front of the whole church. My mom had nothing to do with this, but since I'm sharing the humiliation of my past why not put it all out in the open. 

Okay Mom, this is actually rude. The placement of the bow resembles a fish jumping out of water, trying to escape my horrendous bangs. Also, I would have appreciated a heads up when it came to smiling with my mouth open. Just looking at that gap in my teeth makes me say a little thank you to God for creating orthodontists and head gear.   

Hey Mom, you're awesome for keeping a straight face when I walked out in this costume. Those glasses are about the sexiest thing I've seen in a while. And by "sexy" I mean "blindingly ugly".

OH MY GOD MOM THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! I looked like a creepy fifth grade librarian! A turtleneck?!?!? A DAMN TURTLENECK MOTHER?!?! Also, my hair....Mom I don't understand what I did to make you punish me like this. It's cruel, and there is no way in hell you saw this and thought "Aww, Hillary looks so pretty and not anything like a lesbian book store owner".

Hey Mom, why?
I thought the turtleneck fiasco earlier was bad, but I draw the line at a full denim dress. It zipped in the front and hugged my rather portly physique so thanks for that Mom. Oh, and that hair flip...well Shaun White could do a sweet ass snowboarding trick off one of those under curls. 

No matter what terrible fashion choices and outrageous hairdo's you made me endure Mom, you're still my everything. 

XOXO, Hill.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

My Top 15 Potential BFF's When I Become Famous

Just yesterday, my sister asked me who I would pick if I could be best friends with any celebrity- ever. I had a difficult time choosing just one, so I narrowed it down to a solid top 15. I thought it would be a fun little blog post idea, so here I present it to you. I chose all women for the very reason that I plan on doing a 'Top 15 Men I Will Date When I'm Famous' post soon. You think I'm joking, but boy are you wrong. 

Emma Stone
I have never had a ginger friend, and it's always good to mix things up. Not to mention I absolutely adore her all around weirdness and strange facial expressions (e.i. the picture above). I too have chronic bitch face syndrome, where I can't help but make god awful expressions whenever:
A. I hate someone
B. I am judging someone 
C. I'm hungry 
D. Any other time
The most important factor of our potential friendship is that she could hook me up with her close pal Ryan Gosling- need I say more?


Kelly Osbourne
She's sassy, her style is edgy and fun, and she's British- all the things I've ever wanted in my life. I want to go with her to the set of Fashion Police and have cosmos with Joan Rivers while we bash every celebrity's fashion choices. I want us to go to a Black Sabbath concert while we watch her dad, Ozzy, most likely spit on someone from the stage. If I can't have a British accent then by God one of my friends will.

Chelsea Handler
The queen of humor and perverted jokes. I read every single one of her books and laughed so hard I was crying more than Billy Ray Cyrus did over his daughters career. She has no filter, she's a sarcastic asshole, yet sharp as a whip. She wouldn't be afraid to tell me I look like a street walker in my new heels, or that I probably should just give up on men and become an asexual cat lady- that's true friendship.

Ellen DeGeneres 
Not only is Ellen the cutest thing around since puppies existed, she seems like the all around perfect best friend. She's funny, she dances (not very well, but have you seen ME dance?!), and she has a kind and loving soul and believes all people are equal. I would make her call me every night before I went to bed and talk to me so I could imagine I was speaking with Dory from Finding Nemo. I would be her personal assistant and help give away houses, iPads, maybe even kittens to her audience members. Life would be swell.

Jennifer Lawrence
She's beautiful. She loves food. She's really odd, and sometimes borderline psychotic. Her dress choices for any award show are always on point. She's perfect. She's JENNIFER LAWRENCE. No more explanation is needed.

Betty White
I want her to be my friend, but I mostly want her to be my grandma. She is just so adorable I'd be scared to be around her for I would want to give her a bear hug and I would probably break her old lady bones. She is the embodiment of what I want to be as a granny: a sarcastic, kinda pervy, old woman with a perfectly quaffed white fro.

Holland Roden
It's one thing to say I want to be friends with Holland, and it's another thing to say I want to be Holland. She has the most beautiful ginger mane that is always immaculately done, she is gorgeous in an unconventional yet totally unique way, and she is one of my fashion icons. She is a mega genius, majoring in molecular biology and looking fierce while doing it. It doesn't hurt that she got to make out with Dylan O'Brien on an episode of Teen Wolf either...

Melissa McCarthy
I want her to tell me jokes for hours at a time. I want to throw pies off a balcony with her and laugh until we pee our pants and I don't even know why. I want to be friends with Melissa McCarthy because I know she will appreciate all my bad puns and tell me I am the bomb.com.

Laura Osnes
Many of you may not be aware of the magical Laura Osnes, but I suggest you take time to Google her because you need to understand why I MUST be besties with this lady. She just finished starring in Roger and Hammerstein's Cinderella on Broadway, A.K.A she had the best job of all time. I've listened to the soundtrack so many times only wishing I could sound more like her and less like a dying chicken. I watched every single one of her Cinderella vlogs on YouTube and it made me instantly want to know her. She is what you would imagine a real life Disney Princess would be like in the flesh. I love her, and it's just sinful that we are not the bestest of friends.

Emma Watson
What do I love more than food and cats? Harry Potter. Know why I love Harry Potter so much? Because I want to go to Hogwarts and also because I adore Emma Watson. She's just the cutest British person, and she got to live my dream of attending the school of witchcraft and wizardry. As of recently, her fashion choices are blowing me away, and she is making her way up on my list of style icons. If you can pull off a pixie cut like that, and not be a 12 year old prepubescent boy, I applaud you.

Amy Poehler 
Have you seen Baby Mama? Have you witnessed any episode of SNL Amy has ever been on? If you have, you know why we should be besties. We could pull pranks on Tina Fey and eat ice cream together like grown woman should.

Sandra Bullock
-Miss Congenitally 1&2
-Practical Magic
-Speed
-The Proposal
-The Blind Side
-Gravity
-ANY MOVIE SHE'S EVER BEEN IN
Watch the listed items above and you too will want to be BFF's with this woman.

Khloe Kardashian
My spirit animal. I don't have words to describe how much I love Khloe Kardashian and her biting comebacks and sailor mouth. She is not afraid to speak her mind or call anyone a douchelord if necessary. I need to be friends with her because we are the same person. She has a general dislike for most humans, as do I. This friendship is going to happen. 

Audrey Hepburn
The classic, the old Hollywood movie star. I always thought I was born in the wrong generation, and I have always had a soft spot for the Breakfast at Tiffany's actress. She's beautiful in a simplistic way, her signature eyeliner and pearls are always an inspiration for my own look. If we were friends, she could be the sophisticated, poised one while I was the hot mess with good eyebrows. Perfect match.


Lana Del Rey
When my sister originally asked me if I could choose just one person as my celebrity BFF, I instantly blurted Lana. She is just phenomenal. She is so fierce and absolutely stunning she puts Beyonce to shame. I'm excitedly attending her concert in Colorado this summer, and to say I'm ecstatic would be about the biggest understatement ever. I could listen to her sing for days, her deep old timey voice is so rare in a time of auto tune and bad lip syncing. Now that I have sufficiently grossed myself out with the amount of gushing I just did, I will just say that Lana Del Rey is my number one choice to be my partner in crime and Best Friend Forever.