Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Changing World, A Changing Me

It's been three months since I noticed the change. It was gradual at first, slowly trickling into my life bit by bit. I never really notice drastic differences in my life until they are completely obvious, and I feel a bit unsettled by the fact that I didn't acknowledge the changing world around me while I sat still- not making an impact on anything or anyone. I have always told myself I would make a statement, whether it was with another person or a million people, or even just myself. I had this plan, that I was going to be a kind, selfless person. I was going to be healthier, physically and mentally. I was going to dedicate myself to work and school, and I was going to conquer every task that was thrown my way. Then it happened, and it hit my like a slap to the face. I was completely and utterly lost. My life was changing before my eyes and I felt like I was in this constricting vice, struggling to evolve with everyone else. I lost friends, and I didn't know why. I had no motivation for school, and I watched all my peers excelling and knowing what the future had planned for them. There was an unspoken tension at home that constantly put me on edge. I always felt vulnerable, and most of all I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Looking in the mirror was always a cruel trick, making me think I looked presentable one minute and then catching my reflection and actually being repulsed by the image staring back at me. I didn't fall into depression, I never developed an eating disorder, and I didn't swallow pills to mask the scary thoughts of life passing me by. No, I didn't pick up any addictive tendencies, but I did something far worse in my eyes; I stopped living up to my potential. I'm writing this all in past tense because I refuse to make this my life any longer. At this very moment, when I hit the 'publish' button I will be making a promise to not only myself, but to all of you reading, that I am going to try. I'm going to try and make my life the way I want it to be, because I'm young and anything is possible. I am going to put every ounce of my being into what I love, into my friendships, and relationships, into making myself happy. Change is so terrifying in the fact that you don't know what the future holds, but isn't that the beauty of it all? It's like taking that leap of faith off a cliff, suspending yourself thousands of feet above the ground. It's so scary, and then you jump and it's amazing and thrilling. You have to catch your breath because you realize there's always going to be something to catch you. I have this profound mentality that things can only get better from here, and I'm reaching for it and I promise I will get there if it's the last thing I do.

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