Last year, on December 25th 2012, I was gathered in my grandparents living room. It was absolute chaos as all the young ones shredded wrapping paper to unveil the new toys that looked the exact same as the ones from the previous year. It was always a fun and warming atmosphere, but this year was different. Each one of us opened our presents and showed grandma- through Skype. Grandma had been in and out of the hospital for a couple of months, and we wanted her to feel like she was right there with us. This year, I find myself in the same exact position; everyone is smiling, throwing their heads back in laughter. We watch the babies stumble as they maneuver through the obstacle course of presents. Except things were not the same- because this year Grandma was watching us from Heaven. This year was a tough one for my family and I, struggling to deal with loss of someone so beautiful and significant in our lives as well as anything else life had thrown our way. But we made it through, all of us gathered again on this gorgeous winters day. With the new year will come new trials and tribulations, but what we can take from the year behind us is the strength of unconditional love in our family. My grandmother will never be forgotten, her soul rests in each and everyone one of us- little glimpses I see every time I hear one of her famous phrases or jokes said by a member of the family. I wasn't sad today because I got the most beautiful gift of all: knowing my grandmother. Letting her influence me in the most amazing way possible, and taking in everything she taught me and incorporating it into my own life. That is the gift that keeps on giving, that is the gift I will cherish forever. We can't change the past, but the past can change us- for the better. I hope everyone reading this had the most joyful holiday imaginable, spent with people you love most. I know I did.
Dedicated to my Grandmother, Mary Kroll, and my family.
4:25 AM: Alarm is going off....Why do I work at Starbucks again? Oh, that's right! It's so I can wake up at the ass crack of dawn to serve bitchy women skinny lattes for a solid six hours. My bed is so warm, like a big ol' marshmallow. God, sleeping on a marshmallow would be sweet- pun intended. Let's look at my phone. A couple texts and yet another creepy Snapchat from that one guy who will NOT TAKE A HINT (if you're reading this, stop with the late night selfies. You're grody). If I want to make myself look like less of a troll, and more like a presentable hobo I have to get up.
5:25 AM: SHIT! I can't find my phone. It fell under my seat on the way here. Half my body is occupying the front seat, while the other half is flailing in the back of my car searching for my beloved iPhone. I'm having some serious wardrobe malfunctions, bad day not to wear a belt...
7:30ish AM: I take back what I said earlier, I love working here. My coworkers are just as weird as I am, and they accept that at one point in time I had an obsession with Pokemon and Barbies. I also really love my customers, especially my regulars. Today 'Trenta Unsweetened Black Iced Tea' (to protect my favorite peeps identity, their names will be their drinks) and I gossiped about Khloe Kardashian's recent divorce. 'Venti Caramel Latte' and I shared a very special girl moment when we bonded over our nail polish obsession, that woman is my spirit animal. Not to mention 'Venti Soy Latte', one of my all time favorite people. She greets me everyday with "Hey gorgeous!!", and she pulls off the hippy chic fashion oh so well. Today I was totes bringing in the dolla, dolla bills y'all! Who knew you could get paid being annoyingly perky?!
9:45 AM: Look lady, next time you wish to order 18 drinks in the drive thru, here's a tip: DON'T!
11 AM: Speeding home, have to make it to school on time for that final I will most likely fail. Contemplating showering....I smell like I bathed in a pot of fancy Ethiopian coffee. Could be a turn off, but my inner lazy bum doesn't really care. No shower it is.
11:45 AM: How do famous people do it?!?! I attempt to do a messy bun because there is no need to unleash the hideous beast that is my hair right now, and it ends up just looking like a live squirrel kept refuge on top of my head. FML.
1:30 PM: Can't concentrate on studying for this final because the kid across the room has Ke$ha, Miley Cryus, and all kinds of Taylor Swift blasting from his headphones. The girl to my right and I share a mutual snort as we silently make fun of the guy with the unfortunate taste in music.
2:35 PM: Ok, Hill. You studied so hard for this. I believe in you home girl! You are so smart, even when you look like a dirty street urchin. Seriously, you look butt ugly. But anyway, go kick some ass.
3:05 PM: GOD WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!!?!? What the hell is the Southern Manifesto?!?!?! I don't even remember reading about that!!! Well, shit. Should probably just start my life as a prostitute now- a high end one of course. Have some respect for yourself....
3:30-5:30 PM: I really need to stop watching Awkward every time I come home.
5:30-6:30 PM: *Watches Vampire Diaries instead*
7:00 PM: Time to study for that last final. Lets turn on some jams. Pandora: John Mayer Station, duh.
7:05 PM: Uhm excuse me, last time I checked Nickelback is in absolutely no relation to John Mayer. If I wanted to listen to them, I would have gone to the 'This Shit Sucks' station.
7:45 PM: About that studying....LOL yeah. Instead I wrote a blog post that maybe two people will read. Oh well, c'est la vie!
My posts generally revolve around my very sarcastic and dry sense of humor, not to mention my cynical out look on pretty much anything and everything. Many assume I have no depth, not a sensitive bone in my body. Although I joke that I'm an emotionless robot, I feel- maybe even too much. So, why is this important? Why should anyone care about whether or not I am capable of love and affection, of crying? Because this isn't about me, not necessarily. This blog was originally meant for sharing funny little things about my life, but things aren't always funny. Everyone has to maneuver over obstacles in their life, deal with feelings inside that seem way to difficult to overcome. I want to be able to express my thoughts in order to relate to others, whether I help one million people or just one person.You don't have to agree, you don't even have to like what I have to say. Just respect that this is me. I can be goofy and fun, but it's time to be real- it's time to get serious.
I am known for being 'heartless' and never crying when it's appropriate (i.e. during the film "Up", or during the Sara Mclachlan infomercials about abused animals). It's not that I don't find the material sad or upsetting, it's because I have a fear of crying in front of others- of showing my emotions. Crying is so personal, and I see it as a physical release of pain, sadness, sometimes even joy. Although it's natural and completely necessary at times, I loathe the aching vulnerability of it. But I cry. I cry every time I listen to Rosi Golan's "Been a Long Day". I cried every night for a month after my grandma passed away. I am crying right now, as I'm writing this. And even though it can be heartbreaking, make you feel small and insecure, it's necessary. Bottling up emotions will never end with a good outcome. Maybe you're scared to show people your serious side, or you think showing emotion is a sign of weakness. Here's all that I have to offer: live everyday with a strong mind and full heart. Even though it can be scary to open yourself up to idea of pain and suffering, you are also allowing hope and light into your life- to endless possibilities. And to those of you who have no problem acknowledging your emotions, letting your feelings shine on through, remember it's not so easy for everyone. Be kind, be caring, be understanding; you don't know how your words and actions could affect other people. This isn't some hippy article on how we should all love one another, go around dancing and hugging trees. I know that's not realistic, but living every day with a positive outlook and positive thoughts can make a hell of a difference. Learn to embrace your feelings no matter how taunting. Learn to love yourself.
I can guarantee this won't be the first time I blog about something stupid and absolutely useless, so this is the beginning of a series of blogs called "Something Pointless". I'm about to curl up in bed on this cold December evening, and as I'm flipping through photos on my phone I noticed a distinct pattern in my wardrobe; I'm a stripe loving fiend! Please enjoy this photo of me looking like a baby prostitute with that seductive bare shoulder, and then me awkwardly standing in front of a garage. Always classy Hillary...
I have always been overly naive and gullible. The things I let people trick me into believing is so utterly pathetic, I had to share it with my blog peeps (again, do I have peeps??). I'm going to tell you right now that although I consider myself book smart, I lack all kinds of common sense. This in turn, leads to me believing absolutely ANYTHING and EVERYTHING people tell me. Here is a condensed list of the dumbest shit I thought was actually accurate.
In second grade, a certain boy told me that he housed a pet giraffe in his garage. I didn't question how he got the giraffe or how it survived our cold Nebraska weather, rather I just wondered if the giraffe ever suffered from a sore neck from being cramped up in a garage.
Ever since I saw 'Parent Trap', I believed Lindsay Lohan had an actual twin in real life. I didn't know the actual truth until about two years ago and it literally blew my mind; feel free to judge me on that one.
When I was a spunky little girl, I thought you got pregnant by kissing-butt naked. If that was the case, all my Barbies would have been knocked up more times than the mom in '19 Kids and Counting'.
A family member (you know who you are) had once told me that there was a "special" kind of gum that let you breathe in space without a helmet. I was so convinced this was true, I used this fact in one of my science projects in fifth grade. Needless to say, I was the laughing stock of the class and my teacher taped a piece of gum onto my project grade sheet (now that I think about it, what a bitchy yet clever move on her part...touché).
At the ripe age of thirteen, I believed that a smokey eye was done by literally wearing as much black eyeliner as possible. That means I spent my middle school years looking like a cracked out raccoon prostitute; classy.
The last and most embarrassing fact is one I have never revealed to anyone because it is that dumb. I used to think people got high from smoking cigarettes, so when I walked by anyone smoking I would hold my breath until I was in the clear. Let's all have a big LOL at that one, because honestly what the hell was I thinking??
Please feel free to make me feel less like an idiot and share some of your most gullible moments. I'm sure none will shadow in comparison to what I have once believed in my tragic life.