Thursday, July 9, 2015

4 Kinds of People Who Are the Living Worst

Everyone has met the Foul Four; these are the people who convienetly wouldn't make it onto Noah's Ark if the option presented itself. If you find by the end of this post that you portray similar qualities to at least one of these infuriating humans, you best change your ways or move to a deserted island where you can stop ruining lives.

The Narcissist
Everyone has met them, if not been related/in a relationship with this person. These humans can also be referred to as the "One Uppers" because whatever you've said or done- they've said or done better. 

Me: "I love cheese."
The Narcissist: "I ADORE CHEESE! I actually own a dairy farm, and produce organic cheese from grass fed cows. Therefore, I invented cheese."
Me: "I actually hate you."

These people can't go a whole day without talking about themselves for an obscene amount of time. Without a constant stream of self centered word vomit flowing from their mouths, The Narcissist may actually die. Not to say that these kinds of people can't be liked (we all have a few in our inner circles), they just need to be thoroughly reminded that despite popular belief, the world does not revolve around them and their organic dairy farm.

The Yapper
There are two subcategories to The Yapper: the ones who can be saved, and the ones who should be left stranded in the middle of the ocean. The Tolerable Yapper could be your feisty grandmother who can't seem to find her inside voice when talking about her recent bowel movements in public. The Unsaveable Yapper can be described best in one very common incident: 

You and some friends decide to go see a movie, the The Notebook to be more specific. Y'all sit down, get comfortable, and eat some popcorn or Sour Patch Kids. The burly ginger in front of you is being obnoxious before the lights dim, but he will most likely quiet down once the film starts- right? WRONG! Loud mouth Ginger feels the need to make commentary throughout the ENTIRE film just in case some theater goers wanted real life subtitles to the Ryan Gosling chick flick.
 
Ryan Gosling: "I wrote to you every day for a year!"
Rachel McAdams: "You wrote to me?!"
The Yapper: "Oh my gosh, wow! He wrote to her that whole time because he didn't give up on their love. She walked away, but he never let go of the idea that she might come running back into his arms. That's love right there!" 
*Carrot Top gives his monologue at a decibel even God himself can hear because The Yapper is THE LIVING WORST*
 
The Curious Cashier 
You know those times at the checkout when your cashier decides to talk so much your face literally melts off? Same. The cashier thinks they are being genuine, really taking their customer service skills to the next level. In reality, Curious George is just loudly listing off your different purchases and making terrible mom jokes.
 
The Curious Cashier: "Hmm...tampons, a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, all 899 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and a pocket knife. Either you're on your period, or you're in the midst of planning a very elaborate murder."
Me: "Hey...Karen, is it? I'd really appreciate it if you would bag my items in plastic and shut your trap. Seeing as I'm about to slice'n'dice you, I suggest you pick up the pace so I can make like a tree and leave."
 
The Spoiler
Imagine this: you have yet to see the season finale of Game of Thrones due to an interfering work schedule. Your shift is almost over, and you plan on going home to indulge in the final episode. Then along comes The Spoiler. He is also an avid Game of Thrones watcher, and an all around douchelord
.
The Spoiler: "Holy crap! Did you see last night's episode?!"
Me: "NO! So don't you dare say another word fool."
The Spoiler: "Ok...*whispers* everyone dies."
Me: *proceeds to punch him in the jugular and end his life*

*PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*
If you or anyone you are associated with can be defined as one of the four types of trolls described above please follow the instructions below.
•Stop being annoying 
•Stop ruining lives
•Start acting more like Julie Andrews and less like Justin Bieber
•All around, just stop
 
Although I have been absent from the blog world for a while, I realized while writing this post how much I miss it. The urge to write my own book is becoming more of a distant dream, and turning into a definite possibility. Hope you enjoy the post, and stay tuned for more.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

On Edge

Over the past few weeks I've felt this bubbling emotion in the pit of my stomach, not quite sure what it was. I always try and keep my feelings at bay, but recent events made me boil over in the worst way.
Today, to put it simply, was shitty. It seemed like I was going a million miles an hour at work, yet running in constant circles. I felt cut off, excluded, and distant from everyone else. I thought it was just a bad day on the job, but things only spiraled from there.
My laptop has been broken for a couple months now, and after multiple attempts at getting it fixed I finally thought someone had done the job right. I excitedly took my macbook home, turned it on, and find out that nothing had changed- my laptop and my heart were broken. Here's the thing, I have two papers to type by Tuesday, final projects up the wazoo, and other odds and ends that all require the use of a computer. I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled drama queen, but this was the absolute worst time to have technology problems. 
So, let me just start by saying- I'm not one who cries a lot. I actually hate crying, especially in front of other people. So I waited until my family left for lunch, listened for the front door to click closed, and sobbed my damn eyes out. 
I have not felt this defeated in a long time, and I realize now that it has nothing to do with the current events of my day- I'm in a slump. I'm constantly a slew of different emotions, lashing out at people for no particular reason. I feel like I can't accomplish anything, my procrastination is at an all time high. I feel hopeless, restless, lost. The stress of finals, plus this one particularly bad day just set me into the deep end. I'm in this funk that I just cannot seem to shake, and I want out. 
Nothing is private on this blog, and I love being able to share my true thoughts with those who are willing to listen. So I decided to write this post to ask you all what helps you stay motivated? What keeps you happy? What do you do when you feel like your nerves are shot, and your heart could use a break? I'd love to read your comments, that means you guys haven't abandoned me just yet. 

Also, this picture is the perfect representation of how I felt today..
Love always, 
xoxo Hill

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

rockin' and ( t )rollin'

Hey, friends. 
It’s been a minute since my last post, and that is for no particular reason. Same could be said for why I’m posting now: no specific reason at all. Except, there is one thing I wanted to share with you all. It’s minor, nothing huge. Just wanted to clear the air, and explain how my life has turned into an EPIC AND TOTAL SHAM. First, let me give you some background…
Flashback to Sunday morning: I jolted awake to the sound of my phone buzzing. I thought it surely must have been my four a.m. alarm going off, seeing as I opened at good ol’ Starbucks that day. I forced my eyes open and glanced at the offensive noise, only to see that someone was calling me at bloody four in the morning. These encounters always lead to impending doom (i.e. someone died, is in jail, or looking for a booty call). Before I go into the phone call, let me tell you one more vital thing that will make so much more sense later on- I woke up with the thirst of a thousand dehydrated football players. That night, I kept dreaming that I couldn’t hydrate enough, and that my body was slowly turning into a human raisin. Come to find out, this was actually happening to me while I was asleep. So when I was abruptly awoken by my phone that fateful morning, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Dang, I sure could use a Gatorade right about now’. My lips were dry and cracked like the Mojave Desert had relocated to the middle of my face. That being said, I looked at my phone. I instantly saw that it was my shift supervisor, and that can only mean one thing- this human raisin was late to work. I pick up, frantically apologize to my shift, and run to brush my teeth. I don’t put an ounce of makeup on, which means the entirety of the Starbucks customers got to witness a real life troll make their skinny vanilla lattes that day. Alas, I worked my eight-hour shift like a trooper, even though I was half dead. By the end of my workday, I felt like I had been run over by a bunch of antelope, Mufasa style, and left to die. 
The next day and a half were a blur. I came home from work, took a nap, and woke up feeling like the fiery pits of hell were fueling my body temperature. Even my cynical little sister felt my forehead, and spoke the foreboding truth, “this bitch is sick as hell”. My mother mentioned something about Influenza going around, but I didn’t think much of it. Flash-forward through two days filled with convulsive shivering, sweating, sneezing, coughing, nose running, and being an utter hot mess- I have never been so sick (unless you count that time back in high school when I had the stomach flu for three days, but that’s a whole other story).
Now we come to core of this tale that fueled the writing of this post- for me to vent. You are all up to speed with my past three days, you should have a pretty accurate idea of how emotionally and physically unstable I am at the moment.  So that brings me to today’s agenda. You see, today was very important because I had my teacher orientation today at two in the afternoon. I had to dress business casual, which means I was forced to wear a fancy shirt and pants, two things I am not fond of. I drive to school, feeling way better than I had two days before. Life seemed good, but that is where God smite me. I get down to school, look at my phone, and find my battery is at a measly 20%. As someone who does not have much of a social life, nor a long list of people who contact her, this usually wouldn’t be a problem. Well, of course all my information on how to get to the orientation, all my notes on what to bring, and what was involved were on my email….which was only accessible through my phone. Why not use my laptop you ask? Well, that is because my laptop is about as broken as Kris and Bruce Jenner’s marriage. Cool. At this point, I’m seated and waiting for class to start when my heavily accented teacher from Zimbabwe comes over and says, “Are you alright dahl-ing? You look like you might be on the verge of some-ting. Do you vant me to open ze door?”. I realized I had unconsciously been fanning myself with my American Lit book, and apparently looked like a zombie. Good God! The illness had risen once again! I felt my forehead and instantly recognized the heat of a million suns radiating off my skin. I somehow make it through all three of my morning classes without completely passing out, but by the time I leave for my teacher orientation I look like a walking corpse. So much for making a good impression at this mandatory meeting, guess I’ll be known as the student teacher who resembled the Bride of Frankenstein from now on. I get to the dreaded orientation building, go up to the secretary, and ask her what room the meeting is being held in. She looks at me confused, and murmurs something about not being aware of this event. I thought maybe she was new, maybe she didn’t know the entire itinerary for the day- no biggie.
Secretary: Oh, sorry honey. That orientation isn't until April 2nd
Me: It is April 2nd
Secretary: No, it's March 31st dear
Me: *actual tear falls from eye*
        *silently exits the building*
         *screams F*** very loudly*
   *sobs and calls mommy*
Translation: I could have stayed in bed today, and slowly decomposed in peace, whilst watching Sons of Anarchy. THIS DAY IS THE WORK OF SATAN, 'CAUSE FOR A SECOND THERE I COULD HAVE SWORN I WAS IN HELL! Anyway, after venting to my best friend, mother, and aunt on the phone I found it was therapeutic. Also, based on their laughs over my deteriorating physical and mental health, I thought I would give my blog readers a good LOL as well. Here’s to countless hours of medication, used tissues, and coughs that sound like they came from an eighty year old chain smoker.


Good day, friends.
xoxo- Hill

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I'm In Love With ( Many ) Strangers

I have this theory that because I do not love easily in real life, I have to over compensate for it in this alternate universe I have made up in my head. Think of this as a list of all the men I will consider as husband material if polygamy ever becomes legal- including the dead ones, I don't discriminate against ghosts. In other words, if I were famous and pulled a Taylor Swift, this would be the compilation of all my victims. Love is a battlefield, homie. 
Elvis Presley
I would be willing to settle for "nothin' but a hound dog" if he looks like this. I have actual hair envy from this stud, the flow is unreal. His face doesn't hurt either.

Marlon Brando
HE LOOKS LIKE A KEN DOLL AND THAT IS JUST WHAT I NEED IN MY LIFE!

Ryan Gosling
I think anyone with a beating heart has a crush on Gosling, he's just the cutest. I feel like we could go chop lumber in the woods, and then eat pancakes together. I mean, look at that giggle! I could cry.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson
I have been in love with him ever since he was on this terrible Nickelodeon movie, in which I specifically bought on iTunes so I could stare at his face forever.

Leonardo Dicaprio
Never liked him until I saw Wolf of Wall Street, and let me just tell you that movie made me a believer. A man who never ages should be with a woman who already is getting forehead wrinkles at age 22- like me. We would be unstoppable. 

Rob Lowe
This boy had my heart back when he was a greaser in The Outsiders, and still holds it today even as a hot old guy. That smile is what dreams are made of.

Zac Efron
This is kind of an obligatory contender. I have loved him from the beginning, even when he was twelve and on a bad sitcom. He is the embodiment of puberty hitting someone like a goddamn train.  

Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake
Although I love both JT and Fallon equally, I really only want them as a combo. They share this bromance that is unmatchable in the celebrity world. Talented in all areas: singers, dancers, actors, comedians, being hot as hell. Who wouldn't want to be the peanut butter in that hunk sandwich? 

Zayn Malik
If you know me, you are aware of my ever lasting admiration of all things One Direction. Anyone who thinks it's dumb, hear me out. Look at this scruffy, emotional, voice-god sent from Heaven. You are One Direction's number one fans now- you're welcome. 

Benedict Cumberbatch
He looks like a really sexy alien, and I can dig it. 

Chris Hemsworth
What are two things Hillary loves? Cats and hot guys. So obviously I don't need to go into any further detail. (But really though, Thor can save me from an imploding planet anytime)

Prince Eric
If you can sit there and tell me you didn't once ever think: "Hot damn, that cartoon character is kinda a hottie", then you are now deleted from all my social media. I looked into those crystal blue animated eyes, and the rest is history.

Bradley Cooper
More like 'Bradley Please Cooperate And Marry Me Already'. Ughhh.

Theo James
He's greek, he's tan, he's everything. Theo was my number one man for the longest time, but as of late things have changed...


Charlie Hunnam
I literally can't describe how my body feels when I see his blonde beard, and long hair pulled back in a man bun. It's as if my heart explodes, regroups, then explodes again. That walk, that talk, THAT BACK! I nominate him for the world's sexiest back. Didn't even know I was a fan of a good back until now, and Lord hear me when I say I need that in my life. His smile melts the ice that has long lived inside my soul. One episode into Sons of Anarchy, and I knew that Hunnam had drove his motorcycle right into my heart. I have never wanted to be a biker babe, but now I consider myself one anytime I wear my leather jacket or ride a bicycle. Long live Charlie, long live our completely made up love.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...

Hello, my loves! 
This past month has been full of laughter and fun- I couldn't be more thankful. I wanted to share the very things that inspired me, that brought joy and excitement into my life. 

The Mindy Project: 
Guys, this show is off the chain. Makes me laugh every episode. Mindy Lahiri is my spirit animal.

Childhood Photos: 
Seeing yourself as a rambunctious little tyke is always amusing. Not to mention the horrendous outfits my mother put me in.

Makeup:
I've been experimenting with different makeup brands, techniques, and looks. Inspired by many makeup gurus online, I've developed a whole new passion for beauty and skin care.

American Sniper:
So emotionally moving. Made such an impact on me, I highly recommend it.

LUSH:
Handmade, organic, chemical free beauty products. I'm obsessed. Enough said.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson:
A bit on the radical side, but over all stunningly put together. It made me silently sob in the best way. John Green is such a magnificent writer- it's a must read.

These songs:



What has inspired you recently? 
-xoxo Hill

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Beauty Blogger?

If you know me at all, you might be aware that I am slightly obsessed with all things beauty. In other words, I have far too much makeup, nail polish, hair and body care products for one girl to possess. I love trying new brands and techniques, finding what works- and what doesn't. Over the course of a few years, I have come to find that I am not completely horrendous at applying said products. Makeup has been a love of mine since middle school (at that point in time I was all about the raccoon eyeliner and blue eyeshadow), and has evolved over time into something more sophisticated and mature. Any inspiration, tricks, or tips concerning beauty mostly come from hours upon hours of watching Youtube videos. The beauty gurus I watch specifically are anything but amateur, and they taught me the key to perfecting any kind of art form: practice, practice, practice! Anytime I come across a new way to deep condition my hair, or wing out my eyeliner, I will now have an outlet to share the wealth. Who knows, maybe you'll find your new favorite beauty regimen? With that being said, I'm going to share one of my new favorite skin care secrets that will leave your skin feeling refreshed and hydrated (as smooth as a baby's butt). Here's the secret:
Deep Exfoliating Coffee Scrub
1 part ground coffee
1 part sea salt or sugar
2 parts coconut oil
 small reusable container 


Now listen up, this is not brain surgery. The ingredients do not have to be exact, just as long as you have more coconut oil than coffee and sugar. You will know your mixture is perfect when all the ingredients combine into a smooth paste.
*Be warned: this scrub does not look appetizing, but it smells DIVINE*
Use all over your body and face in the shower, letting it sit for up to a minute. Rinse off and enjoy the skin you're in. You can use this scrub up to twice a week, but no more than that or your skin will damage and dry out. Put whatever is leftover in the reusable container, and save for up to three weeks.
I did a little research and found that the caffeine in the coffee helps diminish and fade cellulite, stretch marks, and dark spots. The combination of the grounds and the sugar/salt also help provide a deep exfoliation to remove dead skin and build up in your pores. To top it all off, the coconut oil is one of the best natural moisturizers out there. After using this scrub, you will not remember the last time your skin felt so soft. This has now become one of my favorite beauty staples, and I had all the ingredients in my pantry. In other words, I got to feel pampered for FREE. 
Mama like.


Hope you guys enjoyed this fun little post, I know I did. I really want to do more posts of this nature along with my regular content in the near future. Thank you for keeping up with my sporadic moods and random posts, I love that I can completely express myself on here with no limits. 

xoxo
-Hill

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Humor Me: The Love Edition

This is a quick and cynical post on something that I just experienced a mere twenty minutes ago. Let me set the scene for you: I am sitting alone in my favorite little corner booth in the education building at UNO. I'm munching on a grody peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I bought at the cafeteria, which by the way was made with CRUNCHY peanut butter (kill me), and I attempt to start doing my homework. At this time, I have been slightly focusing on this girls voice behind me, for she sounds like the love child of PeeWee Herman and Steve Urkel. God bless her soul, but this girls voice could make Adolf Hitler cry. I was trying my best to ignore the shrill jabber going on behind me, but I could only hold out for so long. It all started going down hill when it appeared her and her boyfriend were ending their phone conversation.

Shrill Voiced Hussy: "Ok, well I need to go finish my lab. I love you."
*What I can assume is silence from said boyfriend*
SVH: "Babe, say it back."
*Silence can be detected from other end of the line*
SVH: "JAMES, SAY IT BACK! JAMES!!"

At this point, Shrill Voiced Hussy starts to whimper which surely must be a joke right?? Wrong. I turn around to see SVH actually start to sob with her phone plastered to her ear, just waiting for James to reciprocate the message. 

SVH: "JAMES! I have spent the past three nights helping you study for your big placement exam, so the least you could do is tell me that you F****** LOVE ME WHEN WE HANG UP THE PHONE!"
*Weak mumble*
SVH: "Thank you, now was that so hard? You're the best. Bye, babe."

Guys, I can't make this stuff up. I just watched this crazy freak of a human have a complete and utter meltdown, that in turn dissipates in a matter of seconds. Her tears miraculously vanish, and a huge scary death grin becomes plastered on her face all because her boyfriend (God bless his soul, who knows how much longer he will be alive) told her he loved her. 
I bring this horrifying experience to attention for one reason. If anyone ever witnesses me acting in this way around a boy I want you to personally walk up and punch me in the jugular while chanting:


Thank you, and good night.
xoxo- Hill